Partner Successes

The following writings have been taken from public postings on the Web and have been edited for length. These short pieces have been selected because they reflect the deeply emotional side of partners dealing with erectile dysfunction. They are characterized by a spirit of love and compassion, and by the strength and commitment of character. These are sexual partners revealing their hope, despair, and successes.

Finding the Right Kind of Help

Well, after dealing with our local urologist who really didn't know what else to do for my husband when [injection therapy] didn't quite "do the job," we sought out a true ED expert. So there we sat on May 21st, nearly 3 years post treatment [for prostate cancer], waiting anxiously in the doctor's waiting room.

Jim had been left very impotent. Viagra didn't work for him, and even his heroic attempts with [injections] didn't produce a "usable" erection for intercourse. The cumbersome VED [vacuum erection device] was our only tool and we both disliked it greatly. In addition, Jim did hardly any "exercise," and I felt certain he was "losing it by not using it." Mostly we had shut down our respective libidos and settled for cuddling, while secretly hoping that somehow, someone might have a magic bullet for us.

The doctor turned out to be a delightful (and playfully funny) man with 13 new ED patients on the 21st. After considering our plight, he assured us he could determine "what was wrong" by administering a particular test. A device was hooked up to a machine with a computer screen which showed the image of Jim's arterial blood supply, as his heart pumped blood into his penis, and it measured that pressure at "about 1/3 of what it should be." The test also revealed that Jim had poor circulation and his blood was leaking back out of his penis, instead of staying in the organ and maintaining his erection.

Our hearts sank. We were both hugely disappointed. We talked about options. [The doctor] then went on to make some recommendations, and we've worked with those ever since (very successfully, to our great surprise and pleasure!)

We've been married less than a year, and we now truly feel like honeymooners - the honeymooners that we never had the chance to be previously! It's been such a "resurrection" of our sexuality, so to speak... and to think we had pretty nearly given up hope of ever having a "normal sex life." Our libidos are coming back, Jim's... erections are lasting just wonderfully, and I'm feeling like a sexy desirable woman again! I nearly wept with joy last night when we made love again and "it worked"! We are grateful and thrilled at the results of our "biting the bullet" and seeking out a true "ED expert."

Smiling Jeannie M.
from S.F. East Bay, California

With the surgery, I became the strong one. He needed me to be calm and strong that day, and so I was. Right up to the point they rolled him into surgery, that is, and then I went back into worry mode. That means the old stomach rolling, and tension so bad I thought I could feel every muscle in my body. My head hurt. I couldn't sit without my leg shaking. It started late, and it ended late. Five and one half hours of just sitting, waiting, worrying, trembling, vomiting.

With his depression I became a psychologist. I learned what to do, what to say, and how to get him back out of this quite short lived, (thank God) mode. I cajoled, I taught, I fought and I finally pushed him until he finally broke the silence and began to express what he was feeling. This came about 3? months after surgery. Still tired and expecting too much from himself. I had to drag out all the downloads and books again and mark the appropriate pages for this stage.

With his impotence I became the patient wife, friend and lover. Always encouraging and marking pages and learning some more, and calling the doctor when he seemed to digress again. He needed to hear from someone else that he was expecting too much too early.

With his first erection I became a cheerleader. It took practice to get it all working at the same time: the pump, the Viagra (new dosage) and the libido. He mentioned to me later that he could not believe how hard I worked at trying to help him get an erection. Success breeds success, so after that things seem to be moving forward.

With waiting for the 6 month PSA, I am becoming worried again. This is where we are now, and I think this is where we will stay for a very long time. But he's alive and we are experiencing happy times again. Spending more time together. Even our walks are so enjoyable. Everything is!

With his living, I am alive, grateful and just a wife, doing what all good wives would do: being a partner in this war against PCa and doing whatever it takes to keep him alive and happy.

Am I Selfish?

The following posting begins with a question that was answered online by another woman.

Question

I have found myself to be totally frustrated, especially over the past several months. My husband had a radical prostatectomy a year and a half ago. I was waiting for that magical one year period to pass and then poof -- everything is back to normal.

Didn't happen and I'm very frustrated. My husband is 42 and I am 34. He is in absolute denial that there is anything wrong with our relationship. He has closed all line of communication with me regarding any "romance" and I feel so emotionally void that I feel like I'm getting to a point where I might break. I have told him many times that it's not about physical sex, but emotional closeness that is important to me. His feelings are that if he can't have sex "like we used to" that he is not going to do anything! He won't make an effort to just cuddle because he knows that it's not going to get HIM anywhere.

Am I being selfish? I know that I should be very grateful that his cancer was detected so early and that he has an excellent chance of it not recurring, but I don't know how much more of this I can handle. He tells me that I don't know what it feels like for him to loose his manhood, but I feel very much like I've lost my womanhood.

Response

We read many posts on how the men feel. We read about loss of manhood, loss of libido, loss of penis size. Sometimes we even read about the emotional impact of these losses. Rarely do we read about the effect of the man's losses on his partner.

No, you are not selfish. You are right. His loss of sexuality is your loss of sexuality.

Where there are partners involved, there are two people who are damaged by the disease. There is a man who may be robbed of his sexual power. There is a woman whose needs may be ignored by that man. If there is nothing in it for him, he can do nothing for her. How many women on this list have heard those words with slight variation? After all, it is his disease, his quality of life, his life.

What about yours?

My story (for those of you who have read this before feel free to delete) is that of a former partner of a man whose PCa probably was the death blow to the relationship. I say probably because honestly I have no way of knowing whether our relationship would have survived without the PCa.

I do know that it didn't survive the PCa. We went through Dx, research, and treatment together. We didn't make it past the loss of libido/loss of sexuality stage. I can't tell you why. All I can tell you is what happened.

I could have compromised. He could not. Many of the men and women on this list have overcome loss of libido and ED. They have found their way to alternative methods of expressing both love and sexuality. Some have not made it.

Women, incidentally, always think that a loss of interest by a man is their fault. They don't know why they think that way even when they know otherwise. They just seem to think that way. You have not lost your womanhood. He has denied its importance.

Anyway, I am still here. I met a man on this list and married him shortly thereafter. Richard has a penile implant, which he had done before he ever met me. It was done in anticipation of what might be, not what was.

Maybe we are lucky because we never had a "normal" relationship so have nothing to compare to. We are not young like you but for those of you who may wonder the sex drive is as strong for me at sixty one than it was twenty years ago.

Bottom line, we are in this together. The loss affects both of us, as does the love. I wish you luck and hope as you work your way through the problem. Don't give up, but remember you are a person with love and needs which must be met.

We Have Both Suffered With ED

My husband and I both have suffered with all aspects of sexual dysfunction and continue to deal with sexual worries. Though he has an implant now and we no longer have the impotency issues to deal with, we are soon to be faced with the lack of libido issues for him when he switches to new treatment [for another condition.] Since we are so closely connected, his libido often affects my libido and vice versa. We have to share openly with each other, but often in a sensitive manner. Things have worked so well for us so far because we have felt that it is our problem together.

Yes, HE is impotent and yes it is HIS body BUT I have had many sexual issues to deal with since his diagnosis also. Thank goodness neither he nor I have tried to put ones needs ahead or above the other. We both have needs, desires, worries and heartaches and we have chosen to face them together with dignity and with mutual respect. I am so fortunate to have a life partner that wants to walk in this journey through life as equals. I have been there for him in his darker moments on the sexual front and he in turn has been there for me. When either of us have suffered with sexual disfunction we have both been patient and loving to the other.

Wendy
(written March 2000)

Our ED Has Nurtured Creativity

My partner's inability has nurtured a lot of creativity that we didn't bother with too much previously. It has opened a whole new world for both of us and I LIKE it! I know my partner misses "real intercourse" mainly because of the psychological implications of being �neutered� [radical prostatectomy] as he calls it.

I am more attentive because I know how fragile he feels and it is very important for me to be as receptive and loving as possible. Even if I am not in the mood, I would not object as I would have previously. This has helped our sex lives a great deal. The more we do it, the more we both want to do it. Activity feeds on itself, just as inactivity does. Prior to [radical prostatectomy] our sex lives needed a spark and the loss of erections ironically provided it.

Note, too, that my partner was diagnosed with kidney cancer at the time of the abdominal scans immediately following the [diagnosis] of prostate cancer. He spent last summer undergoing two major surgeries, the kidney first, it being the most life-threatening. Both were found early and no further treatment was required. We feel lucky to have been fortunate enough to find them early and that has contributed to our positive mental state (lucky to be alive) which in turn contributes to our enjoyed, appreciated, cherished ability to please each other in bed.

The lack of a hard penis really is NOT a problem for me. Would I like to see erections again? You bet!!! But primarily the greatest benefit would be the psychological relief afforded my husband. I might be able to get him to agree with me.

"Carol"

Tips for How Men Can Help Their Partners

My name is "Nancy" and I am a wife of a man with prostate cancer [and erectile dysfunction.] I wanted to try and help [men] understand some of the head stuff. So here are a few of my thoughts.

1. For a women to have sex she needs to feel loved. For a man to feel loved he needs to have sex. Herein lies the rub for you, because you are not having sex you may not feel loved.

When we do not feel loved it is very difficult to show or give love (affection). You will probably have to work out a way to feel loved that works for you.

Pay attention to the little things she does for you. A certain smile, snuggling when you go to bed, a nice meal. There are so many things that we all do for someone just because we love them that we all do not even think of or realize.

Begin to observe those little things she does for you and realize it is because she loves you that she is doing them. Then once you are feeling loved again (but this time with out having to have sex) you will find it easier to show affection and it may not even be a hug (but those are necessary) but it may be those extra little things you do for her that will help her feel loved.

2. When a woman loses her virginity she looks at it as something she has lost. When a man loses his virginity he looks at it as something he has gained. It has been this was since we all began.

This is the first time in your life that you have probably ever had to deal with sex as a loss. You are probably dealing with anger at losing it, anger at having cancer, anger at having pain and you sometimes probably look at her and feel anger because she is not experiencing those things also. I call these times our pity-party times because, believe it or not, she is suffering as much as you are but in a different way.

What I suggest is what I call turning the arrows outward. When we have our arrows pointing inward it is real easy to feel depressed, angry etc. But if we can turn our arrows outward to our loved ones... the world takes on a whole new complexion. That may be volunteer work, or making a point of saying something nice to everyone you meet that day. There is always someone that is worse off than we are.

But probably maybe one of the best ways of turning the arrows outward are to sit down and talk with your mate and develop a plan for creating a new relationship that is closer and more meaningful in other ways. Maybe take a Tai Chi class together, a walk together a special trip.

Begin to look at this as an opportunity to gain something new and exciting rather than mourning your loss. Good luck and best wishes

"Nancy"
Written January 2002

Libido May Be The Bigger Problem

My husband's and my experience is pretty typical... so I'll tell you our story. He had [prostate cancer] surgery in 8/98, one nerve 'spared'. Of course he was impotent afterwards, but his libido seemed fairly normal and he was even able to get a slight response from Viagra, though only after an orgasm. As months went on, his libido vanished, much to his distress and confusion. I felt that he had withdrawn from me, and our 38-year marriage began to deteriorate because of the emotional non-intimacy, not because of my sexual frustration.

We'd tried the vacuum device and hated it, Viagra didn't help, so last July we started with the injections. They worked... but caused the famous 'ache'. It was hard for either of us to have a pleasurable anticipation of a sexual event when we both knew that the result would be hours of pain! So his libido stayed so low that his interest in injections was minimal, and my hurt at his emotional withdrawal was such that I wasn't sure I even wanted sex with him. That's when I was corresponding with others.

Then in December '99, we finally [tried another treatment] and re-discovered the joy of erections without pain� The result was the rapid return of his libido, and we now feel that this is a situation that we could accept as permanent, if it should be. That first-ever threat to our marriage is certainly gone!

It all makes sense to us. Human beings have a well-developed instinct for avoiding pain, and a lack of libido is a good way to avoid the disappointment of an inability to have a good sexual experience. It does seem to me that men are more willing to discuss their ED than their lack of libido, and I even wonder if some of these men are even denying it to themselves. I'll never know.

"Sharon"
written April 13, 2000